S1 Ep78: Let's Discuss-11 Ways Parents Can Build Resentment in Kids Without Knowing It

Good morning, good afternoon, and good day to our dad Timeout Show listeners around the world. Welcome to the dad Timeout Show. We're just four dads with twelve kids between us, and we all odly enough or not, work in the entertainment industry. It's a place to put your feet up or down if you're exercising or driving, or skateboarding, or kite surfing or hiking, moonwalking, needle pointing, scrapbooking gardening, refereeing, shopping, Halloween decorating, or anything like that. Put your feet up, listen in. We'll only be about 47 minutes and 30 seconds. If you could like a subscribe or leave a review, we'd be forever grateful. And please follow us on the gram, Twitter and Facebook. We are very active in tonight's show. Of course, the dads will kick off with a little catch up, a little car line chatter, and then they'll have their take on funny parent tweets of the week. And then, in smart articles by smart people, the dads will discuss an article called eleven Ways Parents Build Resentment in Kids Without Even Realizing It. And finally, they wrap up and check out some of the new words that were just introduced to Miriam Webster's Dictionary 2023. And then finally, they'll wrap up with things that make them smile. Speaking of things that make me smile, what's your name, ma'am?

Lola.

Welcome to the show, Lola. How are you doing tonight? Pretty good on this balmy California evening. Lola, before we go in, because you usually deliver our typical dad joke, our traditional dad joke, you my older daughter or my son name. All the Taylor Swift albums in 10 seconds. Go.

Evelymore Folklore. Red Lover reputation. Fearless. Speak now.

All right, we're going to leave it blank, and then we'll let the listeners fill in the final two that you missed out on. Hey, let's get the dad Joke of the week.

Oh. What did the jack lantern say when he got home?

What did the jack o lantern say when he got home? I don't know. Tell me, Lola.

Hi. A pumpkin.

Hi.

A pumpkin. Well, that will definitely work. Thank you very much, Lola. Coming up next, the guys will be coming around the corner. Dad timeout show. Here we go. Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of.

The universe, here in this great hall.

Of justice are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled, dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the dad Timeout Show.

All right, here they are, around the corner. Hello, everybody. Welcome, welcome on this what do we even say, Sultry?

Nice.

What do we even say?

I don't know, Sultry. October Eve.

We got a beetlejuice cups in our hand with margarita filled to the brim.

Well, that, I guess, is our drink of the evening.

It's a big cup.

I know people in Phoenix and Dallas are like, Shut up. But for California October to be breaking 100 today, it's just OD, pretty nuts. Arama nutsarama. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, tonight beetlejuice. Beetlejuice is in order. Well, we went to see this show. I always collect a little. Yeah.

That's what surprised me, is she has four of the same cups.

It's my daughter's, my oldest daughter's favorite show.

I always only had one.

Apparently somebody from Colorado enjoyed it a little too much as well. But that's a story for another day. Yeah. So let's paint the room. Chris, Ben, and Mark are all here. This is very exciting. Hold on a minute. Oh, my gosh. Goes crazy. Three people are in the house. Well, there's four all shorted up. Well, three extra people, you count. Okay, so we got a lot to talk about tonight, including this 100 degree heat spell. But it's supposed to cool off by the weekend. And there's a big game in my life. Oh, my sunday, Sunday.

Goodness gracious, is there ever.

So all that's happening. But more importantly, right this second, I have to talk about this. I saw something that moved me last night. I never watched from A to Z. The movie The Notebook. Oh, yeah. And I finally watched last night.

Rewatchable that one.

It was on of all places. And I was just kind of flipping through. Did you cry?

Old lifetime.

So I remember working with MTV back in the day, and I remember Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams were like, when they would show up anywhere, like hottest people. Yes. And it was all about The Notebook, and I finally watched it.

It is the best cinematic kiss of all time, I'll say that.

Which one?

The rain.

Yeah. I don't think it's called a spoiler alert because we're about ten years in.

But did you cry after watching it when you well, gardener and he was all hugging?

Yeah, but then the storyteller in me got mad because I wanted it to end with her recollection and then a dance and then a fade out the ending, and then they both go lay in bed together. Oh, my gosh, just end me right there.

Too much.

Yeah, but, man, what a classic. We're talking about it for a reason. Well, yeah. Now I can see why 15 years later, they discover but yeah. So was that first love? You moved on. But that first puppy love, that first was that potentially maybe it back then, but you just kind of who knows? But yeah, it was fun. So other than that, The Notebook, we highly recommend it. Look it up on rotten tomatoes. I think it scored pretty well back in the rye. Gosling, as you well know, is the new Ken in the Barbie movie. Oh, bad choice. No, he's awesome. Oh, he's fantastic. No, he's just not have you seen it? He does a good job.

Ken Mendes.

Yeah. Ben's just bitter. Like, remember the old beard?

I play my role.

So with the notebook. Okay, we're moving my I have to talk about something. I'm very excited about, and I wait for the show to unveil. These amazing things that I find on the Internet, the webs I purchased, and I talked about this all during the NFL game on last Sunday. Anybody that I could get their ear. I told them about my discovery, and it is the purple toothpaste. What?

I've been getting a lot of that, too. What do you think?

Believe it or not, I bought it.

What is it?

I'm very curious.

Whitening or charcoal?

I'll explain it real quick. On the color wheel, the opposite color reacts. So purple is the exact opposite of, like, teeth yellow. So it in theory, should cancel. I don't think it's taken anything off.

Right. It's just interesting. I did my due diligence or not, because I just basically clicked the thing through to Shop Now and got it. You're correct, Benjamin. So if you remember back a few years ago, people with blonde hair were buying the purple shampoo. Same sort of theory. So, yes, the purple overtakes the yellow, or in some cases, brown. Is it working? So it works really in my brief experience, because I've only used it twice. Once before I went out on the field and the other time before I went out on the field. Are you putting a purple coat over.

The yellow, or are you taking the yellow away? That's what I want.

I'm following the instructions. I want to know how we weren't.

Involved in this text, like, prior to.

I told you I saved it for the show. I know.

I'm intrigued. I want to see the link. I want to link by the you're.

Putting over the paste? If I had to guess, yeah, but.

Couldn'T what's the purple paste?

Like, welch's or something.

So I think that it works. My theory is this, that if, like, let's say you're a television host and you're getting ready to go on television. You brush with this purple stuff. You rinse it out naturally with water. It's not like these whiteners or brighteners where it takes two weeks and you can feel the peroxide, whatever, but it literally will change the tone for at least a few hours. In my experience. Interesting photoshop or something on your own. I don't care. But I'm saying and then I got it. And then I got all possessive about I wouldn't let my wife use that. No, it's mine until I get about halfway through and get the irony. Then I'll give it out. Does it have some it's hipster packaging? Not necessarily. It's weird seeing your mouth all purple.

You're going to have to share this because I'm interested.

Okay.

I really wish we had sponsors.

Me too.

This is well, especially we all do reachable.

We should be able to get a.

Hold of not a sponsor yet.

Purple tooth.

I love that.

All right. We are drowning people. In a word, tsunami. Right now. The other thing I did send you guys that I am getting but I haven't gotten over the financial hurdle yet is the permanent scent diffuser? Now you can even guy the higher end and hook it up to your HVAC system.

Oh my. What is that?

Plug it in the level that if you walk into a Ritz Carlton, maybe a McDonald's, I don't know. But they do. It a Ritz Carlton. A Four Seasons. There's that certain hold on. Word tsunami. So there's a certain smell in the air. And when you go into a really nice hotel room, there's a certain fragrance. There's something in the air. You can't put your finger on it.

Caribbean essence.

Yeah. So you can buy I have the baby one you can see in the bedroom window, which it's actually going on right now. And the scent is fresh bedsheets and linens. Are you serious? That is really subtle. We have two pets as well. So the living room is like Pet zone. Like, you know how that people say you have pet nose? Like you don't even recognize it anymore. I still recognize it every time I walk in. And that's with clean everything. It still smells like pet.

I wonder if they can do that on high five.

So anyway, there's one that this one's like literally 1999. And it really is. I love it. I use it every single day. When I make the bed, I put it on, lights up the room, and then I shut the doors. No one's allowed in there, especially the pets. And then when I come back in, it's like a little personal stuff.

MK. It's unbelievable.

Four minutes in the morning. I know, but all right. There's a professional one now that electronically you can set timers and it will puff your air.

But you're talking about this is room specific. Instead of plugging into the HVAC, you can do both.

You can do both. Yeah.

McDonald's.

It's amazing.

French fries, milk.

No, that's not true. That hasn't been proven. Okay, is that scientific, Ben, or are you just speculating? I just say things like Vegas, they have no clocks, no right angles. Ben's just pulling stuff out of the.

It'S a scent conspiracy theory.

It is. It's a anyway, we got to move on to the big show. But those are two new things. And then really happy for you. Fun fact, blue Angels may or may not fly over while we're taping recording whatever we're doing real quick, we want to shout out a lot of our Instagram friends. I'm going to be a guest blogger on Atomic Mommy, so shout out to Atomic Mommy for giving me a green light. I attended a webinar last night about how money and crazy parents are ruining sports. So I'm going to talk to those folks that run that whole site, so that's coming up. And then just our normal coolio friends. Jose Ralone, Bay Area dad life. OKest, mom. Podcast out of Sacramento, California. I had a lot of great conversations with girl dad nation. Matthew Kreckler. Michelle Icards, always a star. The essential calendar, folks. PG ish parenting. Good friend of mine. Now, Aaron is going to be speaking at the next mom 2.0, or at least she hit the submits I want to speak button. So that's happening. So she's super cool, this American dad Funkle. And let's round it out with our friend Joshua and mom two summit. I'm going to one of their webinars, too. So they're all our insta friends. Well, they weren't insta, really. They came with the territory of the gram. Speaking of the gram, you weren't here for the top of the show. We're going to be discussing the new words added to Merriam Webster's dictionary today.

Fantastic.

And we'll have a little baby quiz on that. And we have some fabulous prizes as usual, including like, even right in front of me now, irish spring soap is there to deter the flies. And we still have the warm vanilla sugar cleansing hand soap from last podcast that nobody seemed to take home. Coming up next is our tweets of the week.

Time down for the tweets of the week.

All right, it's time for tweets of the week. Weeks of the tweet. Tweets of the week. It's so funny. Like nobody really cares that it's still if you're not on the social medias, you have no idea what I'm talking about. But Elon Musk changed the name of the company to X. But everybody's got Twitter buttons with the little birdie on them. Nobody feels like changing them.

Mine's too much automatically.

Some do, some most don't. Even on the listicles that I look at to get the funny tweets, it all says tweet, Twitter, tweet.

It's hard to change.

You're still tweeting, I guess. You're tweeting an X.

You're still tweeting.

All right, controversy aside, this is from our favorite. These are kind of all over the map. Some pertain to fall, some pertain to stuff that we always talk about. But moving on from the homespun, number one ranked Twitter in the country, world, continent, galaxy is Simon C. Holland. Yes, simon is always delivering. Boy, that went off before the tweet even went off, so this better be a good one. This probably pertains to me more than anybody else. Don't forget to let your emotional well being be dictated by kids playing in college football today. Meaning, you know how worked up I get on a Saturday. They're man college kids playing football.

It's too much pressure.

It is the zest of life, though. It is the fall for me. You know where I'm going next week? Where are you going? Fun fact, me and one of my dearest friends yes. We're going to Wisconsin.

Yes.

To see Iowa at Wisconsin. Wow. Wow. And my second favorite thing is the college store. Yeah, the college store is the greatest thing ever. That's where I'm actually thinking I'm going to start a TikTok channel just rating college stores.

You totally should.

Ask me what my favorite one that I've ever been in, and you're going to be very surprised. What's your favorite?

Florida.

Gators. Well, my alma mater, of course.

Of course.

Tennessee BYU. Really? They take the sports seriously at the old Brigham Young. They do, yes. They have a baby stadium in the store with seats, and you can watch highlights on the screens. They have Butch. I think it's Butch. I forget there's his name. They have a brass mascot in the front door. You can take mean and then you got to rate it on the gear because now stores are insane and you can tell if it only has JanSport when they started getting into Columbia. Tommy. Bahama. Polo. Like San Luis obisco. So where'd you go? San Luis nabisco. San Luis nabisco. Nila Wafers. Is that the name of the team? But anyway, in the interest, we are the Vanilla Wafers this season album, san Luis Nabisco. Having a hard time this year. This is from at dad in law. Speaking of college football, took my six year old daughter to a college football game, and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because we watched this game on TV last week. Do you take your kids to games? Have you ever? Oh, yeah, I've tried UCLA.

Well, we do a lot more basketball than football, but know, I try to get them to partake, but I see.

Basketball being more tame. To be honest. My kids have been very young, as most kids usually start out, and I've always had a fear of bringing them to a big rival game in my alma mater because I know it can get insane.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Yeah. We're going to take them to Tennessee Vanderbilt this year because I figure Tennessee will either won or lost it all by then, one or the other. But Vandy is still mean. Yeah, it's the Harvard of the south.

But we don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I know. Every listener non football just checked out. All right, so anyway, yeah, my kids don't even really go to 49 er games, but anyway okay, I'll go with you. Simon C. Once again, I was going to do one of those August Dump picture posts, but mostly it's just QR codes I accidentally took pictures of. Do you do the QR thing?

I mean, you kind of have to now.

Here's what I might so deep, bro. What do you mean?

It's like, oh, yeah, sign up for your thing or reenter your password. You want to log into a streaming account?

I don't know. I guess I'm better because I can't read my phone anymore. I can't even see it.

You don't have to.

I just updated my font, like, four sizes this week.

Wow, four sizes.

Somebody showed me how to change the font size. I'm like, oh, my gosh, way better.

My phone. Yeah, you wear my Mr. Magoo glasses.

One letter at a time, scrolling.

I just wonder, like, when you're watching, as I do often, the Today show and they have the hey for Jill's deals, scan the QR code. Does anybody actually run at their TV and try and get it?

You just zoom in.

Really?

Like the zoom.

You pause live TV and then you do the QR code, if that's what are you jammed?

Yeah.

I mean, whatever.

I don't have any.

Now they're in meetings, right? Like, a lot of my meetings will scan a QR code at the bottom, go to the meeting, blah, blah, blah.

Or you go to a restaurant, and now it's like you have that's a whole different menu.

What if your phone said, I can't eat?

They'll bring you a paper copy.

I know I asked for it just out of principle.

All right. Speaking of principals, we'll go to school tweet. This is at. I hide from my kids. Yes. I've been texting with Isla's mom for three years. When's a good time to ask her name? I have so many people in my phone. It's like Jane's daughter or Tammy's mom or wait, Mark Patty's mom or Barbara's mom. Yes.

The struggle is real. The struggle is Vicki.

Oh. And then I used to think I was clever when the context so I have this one person, like tennis girl from Market, and now I'm like, dear friends with her, but she's still on my phone as tennis girl from Market.

That's funny.

Yeah.

I have a little, like, a notes doc on my phone, and then I always cross check with my wife because she knows every name, but then I'll be like, okay. And I'll be like, oh, yeah, Tammy's dad.

Really?

Rick?

Well, she's got it down.

I have a notes doc so that when I see Tammy's dad coming, I'll look it up and be like, oh, yeah, Rick.

That's legitimately important to have that.

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, it is. Yeah. We just had our school festival, and not lying, 50% of the parents that I had good conversations with, I had no idea what their name was or who their kid was. Well, maybe the kid sort of the combo.

There's a mutual understanding there.

But after ten years, I'm like, it's too late. I don't remember.

Yeah, it's too late. Mark's going to have an I know.

Where Mark was at the festival. It rhymes with remember.

You remember now?

I was watching you at the bar and vacuuming the stage.

You remember everyone's name about that mark, man, I'd be drinking my face off. Mark got all feisty and then I'm.

Not drinking.

The beer quality wasn't good.

Okay.

All right. So that was from my kids. This is from Chet. Happiness. I can relate to this. Another school tweet. Sorry if you have non school children. Ordered new coats for my kids, and for convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school's lost and found section.

Dude, I feel that, as you said, this past week was our kids school festival, and they could wear festival T shirts, which requires them to wear a school sweatshirt. And my son does not like to wear the school sweatshirt. So what happened? He lost it, like, the first day and can't find it now.

First day? Dude, it's forget it.

Super donation.

No reason to buy any of this. We just go and steal stuff from.

Our lost and found. Well, yeah, we do. We are lost and found. The piles are so high, you don't even feel like yeah, that one probably fits. That looks nice. I could wear because it's there over and over and over again. And then we have uniform exchangey type of thing, too.

Catholic school is right.

I want to go there and just.

Grab a sweatshirt for that.

I went to back to school night for my younger daughter, and then I saw that there was in the Lost and found my older daughter's, Thermos.

Oh, really? There for four years?

Yeah. I was like, oh, hey.

Let me finish.

How do they how'd that smell?

Weird. Yeah.

Got it.

A new thermos is $20.

Just a side note. So I go to school the other day and I see this Indiana Jones ish looking hat on, like the no parking sign. So somebody put a hat up there, and I had a closer look, and it was my hat. And I'm like, what? How the hell did what happened? And it's my kids when they bail out of the car, because ours is like a fire drill. They're literally, like, ducking and rolling to get out of the car in the morning. Go, yeah. And then I think one of them just dragged it out and then somebody found it and threw it up. I got my hat back. Hey, good. Didn't go into lost and found. All right, well, this is good for all of us. Again from Simon C. Holland. Yeah, I'm not a marriage counselor or anything, but have you tried taking her to Starbucks and then Home Goods to look at the fall decorations?

I'm going to try that, like, tonight.

You used to go on dates at Target, right?

We did.

Back in the day.

You used to put your hands in the back pockets. Oh, yeah, like her back pocket.

Forgot about that move. We just had a special little hand hold. Like we interlocked our pinkies.

Really?

We would drive and hold hands the whole way.

Did you ever do the stick shift?

You hold it to hold the stick?

I would keep shift with my left hand.

Yeah.

Just so I could keep holding hands.

Wow.

That's love.

Until you get sweaty.

I didn't mind.

Really?

No, but that doesn't make sense.

You would have enjoyed The Notebook watching it with me last night.

What I'm talking about is holding the stick shift together like you interlock fingers around the stick shift.

Shifting together. Shifting together.

One at a time, gentlemen.

No, we're excited about handholding.

Yeah, our listeners are when it's coming out of nine speakers.

Should we do that again?

You're right. All right, let's finish on a positive note from Mama Jesse C. Very funny. They're all so funny. Now begins the season where I tell myself eating 20 mini candy bars is healthier than eating one regular size candy bar.

Yeah, that's truth right there. Is it?

That's how I do it.

Truth. Do they make mini Reese's cups? They do, right?

Totally.

Trader Joe's has these wicked candy bars. Have you seen them go to Trader Joe's, get their wicked candy bars?

Wicked.

Oh, yeah. They're called wicked. Yes.

Are they candy bars?

Some of them kind of taste like Milky Way, but better quality. But they have, like, peanut butter. Nougat ones. Anyway, it's legit.

Can we quickly talk about the Trader Joe's mini ice cream cones? Perfect dessert for kids because it's tiny.

Yeah, sure. They're legit right there.

Talk about this going crazy on The Soundboard.

Sure, why not? Coming up next, eleven ways parents build resentment in their kids without realizing it. Smart articles by smart people. All right, this comes from the Huffington Post. When we were kind of noodling our topics of the evening. This one actually just came out a couple of days ago, and I thought, wow. I never really thought about the core reasons of child resentment and why they resent their parent. I never really distilled it down. I know when my kids are mad at me. I know when I've done something wrong and I have to apologize. But that's part of the story, too. So this is from Caroline bologna again. It's from HuffPo. Experts break down the comments and behaviors from adults that make kids feel resentful. We all know what it's like to feel resentful sometimes. Some people begin to resent their partners due to an unequal division of labor at home, while others develop resentment at work for contributing with kids, it's not uncommon for resentment to build toward their parents. Resentment is a state of anger and unhappiness due to feelings of being treated unfairly, explained Dr. Jean Barrison, a Harvard Medical School psychiatry professor. Tends to grow over time, and the longer it lasts, the harder it is to resolve. It may have significant negative impact on one's relationship with parents, including loss of trust, feelings of neglect, rejection or abandonment. And it goes on and on and on, but they have a lot of very poignant things to say. Resentment is an emotion that only grows in the dark, says Kristen Gearing, a parent educator at the Family Resource Parent Lab. When you shine some light and love on the situation, it starts to dissipate. So long as the parent is keeping that relationship with the child in mind, it's less likely for resentment to grow. But everybody makes mistakes. And everybody is different. So they have some bold header topics of general stuff. We don't have to dive into each one, but I was curious to see what it was and then of course, I internally judge myself to see if I'm screwing it up or am I doing okay. Or sometimes I can high five. Sometimes I miss the five. But how do you guys feel about this in general? Mark, you have an older child. Chrissy, you have the second oldest. Have you ever gone through this? Did you solve it, did you feel it, or have you been a 10.0?

Yeah, I mean, I've definitely looked at all of the parenting styles through the different kids from 24 down to eight, and I feel pretty consistent for the most part with all of them.

Let me get into the nuts and bolts of this. Number one is inconsistent parenting right off the top. It's just some parents are inconsistent or at times being overindulgent allowing or giving treats. Hey. Bending the rules, letting infractions go without punishment, while at other times they're excessively strict. Kids need a structure with consistency, much like they typically get in school when they're treated in a haphazard way. They learn over time the world and human behavior is untrustworthy. They can never know what to expect. The end result is insecurity and often blaming the parents. Times get older. Ben, you have three youngens. I do. Well, I've got wow, they're getting old fast.

Yeah.

You got the youngest. How do you balance that out?

I'm 1311 and seven this week.

He'll be seven. I forget we're writing the same. I always think of yours as smaller.

For they are a bit younger. The gist of the article was just yeah, when they're younger or older, I don't think it makes too much difference as far as this article is concerned. It's the cliche, do as I say, not as I do, is like the only thing that kept coming back to me. Obviously I didn't read it, but I just deduced this. I did open it. I was trying to read it at the beach with the kids that it wasn't working, but I tried gay guys, I tried to read it and so the do as I say, not as I do thing and that you're just a person that makes mistakes and the saying sorry thing and yeah, that transparency is huge. I just try to be real with them and tell them, hey, that hurt my feelings. I like what you said, MK. That I'm sorry. Mark, you said it. That you're not going to get a result you want. When you treat someone bad like me or anyone else, or if you treat someone bad, you're not going to get the result you want. The unfairness. But as far as them being younger, older, I don't know if it matters. I think the consistency is huge all the way through.

Yeah. With our youngest, because. She was the baby. The other two don't realize they were the babies at one point, so we were the same way with them at that age than we are with her at this age. But to them now being older, it looks like she's getting favorite because she's the baby. I mean, when she was a baby, now everybody's up and running, so that was very hard to kind of explain and juggle constantly, like, hey, you were one once, you were two once you were three, you were five.

We're definitely a little bit here. Inconsistent. Right. I think for me, the learnings from the first kid definitely colored the way that we're treating the second kid and how we approach things. So definitely it's a little unfair, but I think there's more leniency on the second kid in most of the times. Right. I just don't have the fortitude or energy to force the same rules.

But don't you also think that the younger ones learn? I mean, as a youngest sibling, I know that I learned what to do and what not to do by my older siblings. Like, oh, let's see, my parents don't dig this, so let me not do that, and so to a degree and.

What to take seriously. Right.

I don't fault my youngest, and I tell him often, watch your siblings, watch how they go through life, see how they progress and navigate based on what their experiences are so you can have a clearer path, because that's really what it comes down to. It's not hard to navigate a family relationship as long as you're doing the right stuff. Right?

Yeah.

No, I mean, that's a great point. I'm glad that I don't have to be as stringent or as consistent with the second kid just because of that. Right. There's a lot of safety nets and other examples in place in the old.

Observant, they really observed all the things you did on the first thing. And the elephant in the room, to me, actually, gentlemen, is that, honestly, they're watching how we treat our spouse or our partner. So more than anything, so we can say, when you get older, your partner should treat you this way, but they're only going to expect out of a partner what they saw you model towards your partner.

I hope not.

Well, no, but really, the self respect that they're going to demand from their partner will only be as much as you guys gave each other. So that will help you with the arguing in front of them or whatever. Right.

That's a great point. That's not in the article, but that is the resentment.

That is part of the resentment. Like, don't tell me that my boyfriend should be like this when you yelled at mom about this.

Totally.

You know what I mean?

That's probably my biggest regret, is not modeling that better.

So I'll just hug my wife even when I don't feel like it.

Yeah, in the notebook, back in the holding hands. When they were about to get back together, they said, that's marriage. You're going to tell me I'm a pain in the butt and you're going to tell me when I'm pig headed and selfish. And then we're still going to work and talk through the notebooks, interweaving through this entire show. So I'm going to get back to the article and some of the bigger bullet points. These are, again, kind of no no's when it comes to the broad stroke building blocks of not creating resentment with your children. I mean, a lot of it's common sense, but when it's packaged this way, you can rethink about it. Inconsistent parenting, which we kind of rabbit hole. Neglecting promises, promising something and then forgetting because you're just too stressed or busy can create resentment.

Totally.

And it taxes parents, too. You try to stay good to your word the best you can. Sometimes the situations just don't work out.

Just never promise ice cream. Just say, we'll see.

That's why we have a that's why we have dog. We'll see it's because we promised, hey, if you do this, then we'll get you a puppy.

And then they did it. I was like, oh, you do have to follow through.

15 dogs later.

That's a big one.

The next one is not explaining the reasoning for things. Sometimes kids can think something is unfair and get resentful because they don't like it. Sinclair McBride said, for example, it is totally appropriate that a six year old's bedtime is earlier than a preteen's, but the six year old will think it's unfair. That's when it's important to explain that giving everyone what they need does not always mean everyone gets the exact same thing. That's what Harvey said earlier.

We just say, hey, because she's older. That's why.

Oh, here comes a cool breeze. Did I mention it got up to 100 degrees today?

We do the because I said so.

Who's Harvey?

But because I said so is exactly the antithesis of what you should do.

I know.

Is what the articles many parents don't believe they have to communicate to their children because they won't understand, says clinical psychologist Jenny Yip. I think it's better to protect them than to tell them the truth. Yeah, I think we've always been on the up and up with our kids, but that's definitely a great thing to think about. Moving forward and even backward. Using inflexible language is another one. One role parents play in building resentment in their children is through the type of words they use. A pediatric psychologist and parent coach at New Day Pediatric Psychology. Words like should, must, never, always, and have to are too absolute, and they live very little wiggle room for flexibility. She offered examples like, you never go to bed on time. Do you realize the kind of day I've had? You should be nice to me. I do a lot for you. You should be thankful I didn't get the things that give to you from my parents. Instead, try to adopt parenting language. It builds connections rather than resentment and disconnection. So that's an interesting one.

Words matter.

Yeah, no words matter.

Yeah. There's that line between them seeing you as people and then being overly sensitive or last night we got some hard news and I was just so bummed to set outside with my margarita and then my daughter came out, thrown a fit that she needed something and I'm like, I'm going through this. She doesn't care, you know what I mean? We have to be strong no matter what, you know what I mean? So you want to teach them compassion and say, hey, look what other person is going through a little bit. At the same time, it's hard to.

Explain in the moment and come up with the a lot of times I feel like I have to mentally get ahead of the conversation and prepare a tad.

Yeah.

So if they catch you off guard like that, sometimes it's a little harder. Again, it's a process. Ongoing.

They really think you got to rise, not people.

Unfortunately, it's hard.

You got to rise. This sucks.

Well, parenting is not easy, right? Imposing your own expectations. While all kids need expectations for proper, kind, respectful, dutyful and trustworthy behavior, some parents impose their own ideals, aspirations and missions on for their kids, of course. Oh, man, I deal with this all the time. Especially the webinar I was on last night talking about sports and parenting unfulfilled. That's one division of it, but yeah, a lot of that is I mean.

It'S tough to find the balance, though, between giving them guidance and advice and then also not putting that expectation on them. Right. I mean, I'm expecting you to try your best and I'm expecting for sure this outcome. And how do you let go of that and say it's up to you to determine?

I think we've touched upon this in other forms, like this conversation.

Danger of vicariousness.

Yeah. I mean, we have tried to adopt this the best we can. Parents should aspire to see and value their children for who they are and support them as unique individuals with their own wishes, dreams and interests to a degree. Imposing your own expectations, perhaps the achievements and goals you wished you had accomplished only devalues them at a deep level and breeds resentment. Many parents do this out of love and hope for their child, fulfilling unmet goals we wished we had accomplished. But this stance tends to backfire.

Then again, they're called dependents for a reason, because they depend on us. So there's a line there. It's not like they know what's that's that's a little bit too broad. That last one to me because.

They.

Don'T know what's best for them. We do it's in between.

Yeah, but I would never deter my child from chasing their dream. Right?

Whether it's I'm taking it to another.

Level, a horticulturist or right.

I want my daughter to be a star volleyball player. She likes to theater, I get it. But there's also anyway, a level, I think we're talking about different layers of.

It, but Darn Ben layers, you know what I'm saying?

I don't want to say.

That'S kind.

Of a little too passive too to just say they can do whatever they want.

Well, we kind of talked about this think on last show when you were talking about you're an admitted tiger dad and you wanted your kids to get this and X, Y and Z, and now they're there and it's just fine.

But I think for me it was always like I'm impressed by they were setting their own expectations because I was hardly a role model for academics or athletics or anything. So I definitely had the expectation. But I was kind of hypocritical in that it wasn't like do what I did, but more like because of my failures, I extra wanted them to succeed, I guess, or not go through my.

As a line to walk in all this, right? Yeah. The next one is I see a lot of this. I do see a lot of it and even the circles that we run in over monitoring everything. No one likes to be monitored. For some parents, overseeing all the details of a child's life their academic, athletic, social, digital only undermines trust, personal responsibility, learning, self reliance, and when to ask for help, autonomy and accountability. Resist the temptation to monitor all aspects of your child's world and focus on offering a healthy degree of structure and the opportunity to fail.

That's something, for sure, that I'm probably the most guilty of out of all of the article points, but one, it's just like I definitely was very helicoptery and with the golf stuff and being the caddy all the time, it was pretty much always by their side over kind of sheltering. And then with the technology, I think I still check on where my daughter is in college. Like, where is she? In the door.

I think a lot of us do.

That, so I don't know. I think the good thing, though, is that for me, there was sort of a self regulation, an organic system that sort of checked me on that. It was just basically teenage years and as they go through it, there's a natural them pushing away from you and a natural distancing where I think the next point about wanting them to be buddies or whatnot, it becomes harder. I didn't really have to do anything. They definitely gave me the heisman.

Well, that's the next point, right? MK, wasn't it? Since I opened the article, I didn't read it, but I opened it and I saw that one of them, the points is treating us as trying to treat him as friends or something like that.

Well, I wouldn't go so far as treating him friends, but I mean, I'm trying to let confidant my eight year old, I'm trying to let him have his practices. If I'm not coaching or I'm not involved, I'm trying to dip and let him have the experience and then checking in with him at a pickup like, hey, how'd it go? Versus being on the court or on the field and watching his every move.

They got plenty of friends, they got one dad.

But I think to a degree that there's that value of autonomy that if you allow them to launch themselves, they may grow differently than if you're constantly watching them. Right.

Sorry, I was reading it was the.

Last I'm sorry I skipped ahead on us.

So I'll get to the last because it's a rather lengthy article. Again, some of it's semi common sense. But Ben, you just reached right to this one. Invalidating their feelings by focusing on your own. It can be micro examples or macro examples. Parents find healthy outlets to work through their own frustration in moments of stress. Otherwise, recommend having open conversations about emotions while encouraging them practice gratitude, et cetera, et cetera. Favoring one child of another over another. It's a very common scenario as a parent who is perceived as favoring one sibling over another. So there's about six paragraphs on that one. It says common and to some extent natural, especially if your parent has things in common with a particular child, such as a love of sports, art, music, or you simply get along easier. Some kids are definitely challenging and require more effort. But he noticed it's never healthy for a parent to show favoritism. Making assumptions is another big bold. As parents, we need to have frequent conversations with our kids and listen to them. It's very important to hear and validate their thoughts and feelings and not make assumptions. We know what they are going through. Boy, did I get told off the other day coming home from high school, and my daughter said to me, and I had actually done this exercise with her, but subliminally, she said something about homework, and then I had the parental response about homework and she said, dad, I don't need you to talk right now. I need you to listen.

Wow.

And I said, you know what? You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. And I put on music and I let her finish. And then we just kind of rolled in silence. It was like, nice. I'm an air filler in the car. It doesn't matter, especially if they have friends in the car. I'm like, Where do you live? That's why I've not requested to drive that often. But anyway, that was a very big learning moment for me and validation of what we talk about on this show of like, do you want event or do you want some advice type of thing.

Can I do a quick anecdote? I was listening to a book about how. And it helped me a lot with all this driving around to practices. That might be the only ten or 15 minutes you get with them a day. And even if it's if you're not so if you're alone, wow. I find my kids opening up a lot on the way to volleyball or whatever. That's the only time that they're alone and they chat my ear off. That's the only time of day when we're alone. That's the only time they talk to me about their day. And the other thing is, if there's other kids in the car, they kind of forget you're there. You ever notice that? And they started talking.

Yeah.

So, I mean, it helped me a lot with all this running around and not and hating all the driving up and down. But I actually enjoy it now just by that one little shift.

I like that.

Love the drive.

Yeah. I'm at that comfortable spot in life where I don't mind driving the minivan with the pineapple sticker. I want to get to the point where I put on Funky Cool Medina and get out and dance while all the athletic practices are letting out and dance on the sidewalk. I'm not there yet.

I'm there.

She'd be mortified. But we're having fun. It's all good. Medina tone loke.

I'm thinking, like, Buster move.

I auditioned for a job to funky cool medina. Fun fact. All right, so this is Apologizing. Big deal. Parents should apologize. Obviously, we all get it wrong periodically.

That's tough. Well, for me, my dad has never once said I love you or apologize. And so, like I've always said, I'm going to do better and try to.

Own up, but still, I shouldn't project. So you're coming from roots and cycles.

I'm sorry. I'm not super dead.

I learned early on because I feel you. I learned to flex the muscle early on, and I just said, you know what? You're right. I shouldn't have gone off the handle about something like that. Or that wasn't your fault. I didn't hear the argument clearly.

This is a big one.

I just walked into the room and saw X doing Y to Z, and I didn't know the full story. So yeah, there's one big instance where it took me a minute, and I really had to almost sleep on it. And then I had a full my kids dread the lectures, but I'm like, I'm going to say I'm sorry, and I want to tell you why kind of thing. But I think it's very healthy, personally.

In case my dad's listening, he always did after yelling at us, take me out to Lord's Ice Cream.

That was a sorry. That's a good sorry.

That was his way of saying, man, you want ice cream, right?

What's the flavor? What's the flavor?

Seventy s. Eighty s by choice.

What's your Lord's flavor, homeboy?

Oh, what's mine? Mine's?

Yeah.

The coffee almond fudge.

One smoke almond fudge.

Yeah. Peanut butter fudge is come on, dude.

And Almond Joy when it's in season.

I mean, back in the day, it was bubblegum, and then you just, like.

Spit the okay, back to the article about psychology and children and families using finally, the last one is using your child as a confidant.

Yeah, that's one.

I did have to work on that because I feel like I was just really open with my kids and I'm.

Like, you're a natural pal anyway.

Maybe.

When they're 18, you can start to be buddies when they're older, not when they're older, even.

Can't.

Okay.

Can't.

You kind of can.

Yeah, you kind of can.

It's a blend of friend and when.

You need to.

Look at him.

Yeah. He's like, really hot about yeah, but I like it.

They got one dad and they have plenty of friends. They need you to be a dad, not a friend. I get it.

No, I agree with the overall sentiment, but I agree. I'm going to go.

Chris, it's a job until you're gone.

Mark is resolved on this.

He's got the oldest kid, and there's sound effects.

At times, a parent uses the child, typically a teenager adult, as a confidant, throw reversal, thwart, separation. Too often due to intense loyalty, abdicates their own development to help the parent. Inevitably, this may lead to resentment. No, I agree with Chris. I'm not going Harvey's way because I feel like so if I audition for something and I don't get it and I'm bummed, I will say I went for an audition and I didn't get it, or I didn't get a job again this year, and I'm kind of bummed about that. And we have a talk. Why are you bummed?

I'm not saying don't be vulnerable. I'm just saying you have to maintain.

Well, that's what we're saying.

There's a who's harvey. He's talking about Harvey.

You're Harvey.

I'm Mark.

You don't like your last name?

Never have. You never call me my first.

All right, what is your name?

Mark.

Coming up next, the home stretch. Webster's new entries and a little bit of a quiz. Quiz time.

It's quiz time, pallet. Quiz, quiz, quiz, quiz, quiz, quiz.

All right. Per. My favorite Today show. We've done this before with teen slang. Yes, we've done this with acronyms.

Classic.

But these are words that were recently invited to the dictionary.

Invited?

Yes. I would like to be in that. That's a great job, by the way. You just study pop culture stuff and then you're like, all right, that works. Well, there's a few you may know, a few you may not know, but let's just go through them very quickly in our listeners interest. Get them out of here as promised. And then Ben has manball, and Mark has to pick up his kid. Little bit of quiz, little bit of knowledge. Riz rep or fit is a noun, slang for romantic appeal or charm. Fit. No, riz no fit.

No fit's clothes.

Fit is physically attractive.

Riz.

Cool.

Fit. Fit.

Maybe I'm being English about it.

Correct answer is riz.

What is R-I-Z?

Riz. R-I-Z zapper. And I got the info on this because my boy was using it a lot. Oh, really? Yes.

She has the riz.

He has riz. And it's short for charisma. Never even heard charisma. Okay, what's wrong with the so, number two, drop in the interest of time. Yoda, padawan or Jedi. Which one is a noun, informal a young person, especially when regarded as naive, inexperienced, et cetera?

Come on. Moving on.

Don't pay padawan.

Heck, yeah.

Correct.

Don't paddle on us.

All right, your next multiple choice is chance, word, or bingo card slang. A list of possible, expected, or likely scenarios, usually using the phrase on blank on chance.

Chance.

I mean, what else if it's not chance?

That's but chance is in the questionnaire already.

So is word.

Riz, bingo card, bingo. The other two are already words. It's like Ben being on time tonight. Wasn't on my bingo card. Okay, see, it's an expression. Yeah, it's an expression.

Early, you mean.

Thank you. All right, the next is blank adjective slang considered to be the greatest of all time. Goat. Goat. Yes, but the word in the dictionary is goaded. Goated.

That doesn't make sense.

Doesn't make sense.

No, you've been goaded. Like knighted.

Oh, you've been goaded.

You've been goaded. Yes, Chris. Yes.

At the yo.

Right? Some UCLA in the house. Not like San Luis Nabisco.

Half the price. Same education.

The same price.

Tons of noa wafers. This is multiple choice again. Ne, mid or may. Oh, ne. Adjective. Neither very good nor very bad. No, I knew this one from my kids. I knew this one from my kids. It's Mid.

Oh, Mid.

Yeah. Do you like the ice cream? Dad, it was mid or meh. No, mid.

Okay.

All right.

Stand correct.

I love it. Okay, well, this is an acronym. We'll just go through it. NGL is now in the dictionary. Not going to lie.

Not going to lie.

Not going to lie.

Why would an acronym be in the dictionary?

I'm just telling you. Stupid.

I know.

That is weird. Cut and paste. TTYL. We all know what TTYL is.

Talk to you later.

Talk to you later. Yes, this is an interesting one. I didn't know this one. Smosh Cementing or Smishing Dude? Is the practice of sending text messages to someone in order to trick the person into revealing personal or confidential information, which can then be used for incriminating purposes.

Sounds like a smosh. It's super smosh.

Smishing.

Smishing.

All right, fishing.

That makes sense.

Oh, Chris, we spoke of this earlier. Multiple choice. Once again, fakery bakery or hallucination, which means a plausible but false or misleading response generated by an artificial intelligence algorithm. Oh, my gosh. Fakery.

This is scary.

Deep.

Fake.

Fakery.

Fakery.

Hallucination. Dang it is the one see.

I'm so out of touch.

Okay, we're going to plow through the last four jeez. My daughter is this to a T. She shops for rare, vintage or obscure recordings, especially by searching through crates of secondhand merchandise. They call it a crate digger. Oh, yeah. Yes. So that is a new word in the dictionary. This one has been the butt of my family jokes for years. We say everybody in Florida wears them. No offense to the floridians, but that's been our joke. Shorts made of denim or jorts?

I'm not going to remember that.

But no one asked you to. Grammable is suitable to be posted on Instagram photo sharing. Grandma. Yeah, it was Grammable or Grandma doom scroll. This can get you in trouble in our self help episodes to spend excessive time online scrolling through news or other content that makes one feel sad, anxious, angry, et cetera. And then finally, we should all know about this one. And we've talked about it before. A secret or incognito account on the Instagram photo sharing service is called a Phishing site. No.

No idea.

No. Monkey monkeys. Very good. Sean Connery. Finsta. The child has a finsta.

Finsta fake account.

I even dropped that at school. Some of the adults that don't follow, I said, Just get a Finsta and then you can follow. Wow, you're already dropping it.

Okay.

All right. Coming up next, things that make us smile.

Hey, guys.

And then the shows end.

Can I just say that campfires make me smile. I gotta go.

Fine.

This guy.

All right. It's time for things that make us smile. Ben, it makes me smile. Knowing you're going to be on time for manball. So what makes you smile right now?

Coed team, by the way. And I would say that a nice CNC cut makes me smile. Blowing the sawdust off.

And campfires, do you use big green balls?

What's that?

Big green balls. Softballs. What are you talking about, man?

They're yellow, I think.

Do you use aluminum bats?

Lathe?

Yes. Is it slow pitch or fast pitch?

Yeah, we also wear those little caps and use old timey gloves. What are you talking about?

Is it fast pitch or slow pitch? It's slow pitch.

Old timey.

Like big arch. Like does everybody make a sound effect like that's? Brilliant. All right, get out. Have a good night.

I resent you.

All right. Other things that make us smile. I think I mentioned it earlier. I've got my annual trip with my good friend, going to some college football. I've never been to Milwaukee. Cheese curds and beer. Check this out. I'm staying in the Paps Blue Ribbon. Whoa. Hotel cheese curds. That's was Harvey's in rare form tonight.

Is it in the shape of one.

Of those old brewery? And then they flipped it around and now it's a hotel.

Oh, that's awesome.

But it's still got all the bells and whistle. Other than that, the kids are awesome. I'm living life above ground, which is lovely. All right, well, you're at that age where you're like, you lose someone here and there, or a celebrity goes and you're like, oh, my gosh. Okay. It's getting more and more frequent, so I'll take every day as a blessing. Amen. Funny thing, we went to the blessing of the animals yesterday, and our pets got blessed. It happens once a year in the church, and everybody brings their bunnies and turtles and the priest. Yeah, it's really cute. The kids brought yeah, all the little.

Kids brought the A's game where you bring your dog.

Yes.

A little different.

And then my kids are all cursed. Super cool. And thank you to my wife for being kind enough to still support this show. 80 episodes deep. I'm grateful for that. And that makes me smile. Chris yeah.

Man fantasy football is in full swing, and even though my team is doing poorly, it's such a fun distraction for me, so I get really into it. And just the camaraderie and trash talking and stuff is just so fun. I was looking forward to it all week, and I can't believe it's already week five coming up.

Man how many people are in your league?

We have a twelve person. It's pretty fun. And we've been doing it for probably 15 years, so it's deep. And then the other one was, man, I got to go down for a work trip and visit the kid, pop in because I had to go to La. And I got to pop in. Had dinner with her in the dorms, met her roommates.

Dang.

Dude, it was so I'm really jealous and envious.

I saw when you took them all out to dinner. Yeah, it's crazy.

Italian cheesecake factory. The food they have in the dorms is so different from when I was there.

Right.

I'm literally just, like, jaw on the floor. They got the food trucks, five different restaurants they could choose from. Back then, it was like, you eat what is in the dorms.

Yeah.

You eat what's in the cafeteria that night.

That really just made me smile, that she's living her best life right now.

Yeah.

That was awesome.

That's awesome. Mark yeah.

Soccer, full swing, kid, boy scored a goal. My daughter's doing cross country, and she's killing it. New music from Philadelphia. Your world.

Zach bryan.

I think he's from Oklahoma, I think, like, midnight. Check it out. Mike Philly I got family coming in from Texas this weekend. Going to spend some time with, you know, and weather's good. Everything's like good. Man music, people, food.

Quiet. Quiet is another word that was invited to the dictionary.

Quiet. Quiet.

No. Quiet. Quit. What? Do the minimum I like this one for you.

Quiet.

Quiet. Quiet. Quit. Sorry, Mark. I got distracted.

No, that's okay.

Quiet. Quit. Do the minimum amount of work required for a job to engage in.

Quiet.

Quitting. Look into that.

I like that. I like that. There's a bunch of fun ones too. Chef's kiss, kiss and cry. Beast mode, girl. Boss. Anyway, we'll go on. We'll post that article link out there. But we want to thank you for hanging in there. We hope you enjoyed the hour and we will be back soon enough. Please follow us on Instagram, the Book of Faces, or X, twitter x. Have a great night, everybody. We're the dad Timeout Show, and we're out of here.

Good evening.

Love you.

Thanks for listening to the dad Timeout show. We're out of here. We've been listening to you talk for an hour. My daughter. Hello, everybody. Thanks for listening to our time out of here.